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Wednesday, September 12, 2001

Recently, there's been a few artists that I haven't been able to get enough of. I won't mention any names, although I'm that most wouldn't be a surprise to anyone. But in any event, it's been quite strange that I've not been able to make myself stop listening to these artists. There aren't often artists that I can listen to for hours upon hours upon hours for days, weeks, and even months at a time. But this summer, there's been about 4 different artists that I have been able to listen to like that. I've fallen asleep and woken up to their songs; I've analyzed them inside and out; I've gotten my friends hooked on them. And it still seems that I can't get enough. Musically, I'm not too easy to please. Yes, I will listen to nearly anything you throw at me, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll enjoy it or that I'll love it. I enjoy a bit of music. I love very little. And even with artists that I do love, when I start to listen to them, I never seem to be satisfied with the songs (unless I'm not giving them my full attention).

Thursday, August 9, 2001

If you'll let me whine and complain here a bit-
I am so sick of expectations. I don't even care if they're realistic or not. Let's take my parents expectations for example. Because neither of my brothers does extremely well in school, they expect me to make straight A's. Or, as they say, they expect more from me (First of all, ugh. Second of all, UGH! There's your problem!). Because both of my brothers are very silent about their faith, they expect me to be the perfect Christian girl. But let's move away from comparisons. Because at one point in my life, I wrote decent poetry, they expect me to be some great poet. Or because I enjoy English, they expect me enjoy reading Francis Schaffer (no offense Jamie!) and Os Guinness (once again, no offense!). Or because I write songs, they expect me to be some outstanding journalist. They fail to realize that one has nothing to do with the other. But it's not just my 'rents that have stupid expectations. My friends have them too. One of my friends expected me to be a good 800 runner because I'm white (she's not racist, that's just the way it is in running). Or here's a funny one. Because she once saw a guy checking me out, my grandma expects me to always have a boyfriend. Ok, ummmm, no! Anyone who knows me can tell you that I don't live up to that one and I plan to keep it that way! But anyway, my point here is that expectations lead to rebellion. I'd say that about 95% of expectations of me that I know of lead to my rebellion against that person by purposely not living up to it. If you don't believe me, look at the expectations I mentioned here. Every single one of them I've purposely failed at some point in time. If we could just learn to accept each other for who we are and not who we want them to be, life would be so much more peaceful. At least at my house it would.

Wednesday, August 8, 2001

I'm going through a phase (at least I hope it's a phase!) where I quite frankly have nothing to say. It's not that I have writer's block, it's just that I'm at a loss for words. It's a strange thing for me, but I actually kinda like it. For as long as I can remember, I've had to say everything through words, mostly because I felt like no one would listen otherwise. But right now, I don't much care if people listen or not. If this doesn't seem hypocritical, I wrote a song not too long ago called "simple girl" (I had a friend tell me that that's an oxymoron. I hit him). It kinda goes along with how I'm feeling now (imagine that!). I honestly don't care if people like what I have to say. I'm gonna say it anyway. The majority of what I say isn't even directed towards people. It's directed towards God. And I'm not gonna let other people get in the way of that.

Sunday, July 15, 2001

i've been thinking a lot recently about the upcoming school year. i realized the other day that i'm very scared. as crazy as it sounds, i really am. it's not as though i'm going to a new school or anything. i'm very very comfortable in my school and love it. i know what teachers i'll have, what classes i'll have, etc. so it's not that. i'm thinking that the big reason i'm scared is that i'm not real confident about the friendships i have at school. first of all, 2 of my best friends who are rising frosh were supposed to be going to my school next year. however, it looks like neither of them will be. along with that, 2 of my best school friends had life-changing experiences this summer and aren't quite the same. and to add to that, a few of my good friends graduated in june, so they won't be there either. so i guess you could say that i'm not so much scared as i am anxious about the school year. and while thinking about it last night, i had follow the narrow by the former clear in my cd player. one song in particular, into your hands, was really soothing to me. "it must have been nothing new to you, the moment i awoke to know that i won't make it through on my own. but, i recall a promise that you made: the burdan won't outweigh the load that i can bear, surrounded by your grace. into your hands, hands. into your hands, hands. every burdan of my everyday, into your hands." i'm willing to bet that this song will be my theme song for the school year, and with quite good reason. i really had a very difficult year last year, mostly having struggles with friendships. i was determined to fix everything on my own. i've learned though, that the only way i'll make it through is to give it all to God. and not just my friendships, the whole school year. and while it will be very tough, i feel better about the year already.

Saturday, June 30, 2001

I found myself in a very interesting position at swim practice this week. Being the oldest swimmer not coaching, I have quite a bit of authority. However, it seems that only the kids 12 and younger listen to me. A conflict arose between 2 boys, ages 11 and 13. I have very different relationships with them. I've known for the 13 year old for years and while we aren't the best of friends, we usually get along very well, especially the past year or so. I've only known the 11 year old for 2 years, but we're best buds. I wouldn't have stepped in, but it was affecting the rest of our lane. I figured that since I'm friends with both of them, they'd listen to me. Unfortunately, only the 11 year old did. So not only did the problem not disappear, I was completely pulled into it too. It's simply a problem of a bad attitude and pride, but it could be a while before it clears up. After I stepped back from it though, I realized that almost the exact same thing was happening between one of the older members of the team (who also happens to be a coach) and I. A bad attitude and pride has separated us for years and it's only gotten worse this year. I'd like to say that after I realized this, I talked to him, apologized, and everything's all fine and dandy now. Unfortunately, that's not the truth. I know exactly what Jesus would do. That's never been my problem. It's just a matter of actually doing it. I have a week before the season's over. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). And I thank the Lord for that.

Monday, June 18, 2001

This weekend has been super crazy. A complete emotional roller-coaster. I've felt everything about everyone this weekend. Four very cool friendships have suddenly appeared. I've been very disappointed. I've been completely elated. I've been extremely angry. I've been helplessly in love. Way too much for 3 days! But I realized something. I've been so preoccupied with myself and my life lately that I've completely missed bunches of things in other people's lives. It's almost as though I just forgot about myself this weekend and stepped back to watch everyone else. And while it was super crazy, I thoroughly enjoyed the ride!

Friday, June 15, 2001

Rain and Caedmon's Call. Who ever thought that the 2 could make my day complete? Well, you could probably guess the Caedmon's Call. But it was one song in particular. You see, my mom brought home her 40 Acres cd for me today. And I still had her Long Line of Leavers cd. And I had my brother's self-titled cd. So for the first time in my life, I had 3 Caedmon's Call cd's in my possession at the same time. Now THAT will make your day! I'm still trying to figure out why my mom has 2 of their cd's and my bro has another one, when they say that I don't have musical taste. And yet, Caedmon's Call is the core of my musical taste. I'm still confused by that. But I digress. I was so excited about having 40 Acres, mostly because I love "Table for Two" and "Daring Daylight Escape". And "Climb On". and "Shifting Sand". I think you get the point. But when I got the cd today, I was strangely drawn to a song that I'd never really listened to very much. Obviously, I knew the words, as I do with all of them. But I'd never really paid attention to it. Well, "Somewhere North" has taken on a new meaning to me. Only a few of you really know what I'm talking about, but you're enough to matter. I won't go on and on about how once again I feel like Derek Webb was reading my mind, as he seems to do with every song he writes. But I was surprised at the honesty in the song. Yes, Derek is very honest in all his songs. But I know that I would never have the guts to say to a certain person what he says in this song. It just blows me away. I don't applaud this song; I gasp at it. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. Without making anything extremely obvious, I'll say that I have lots of random pix of my lying around the house. Am I hinting at something? Maybe. Listen to the song. I dare you! Which brings me to my next point (actually, it's doesn't, but I feel like I've said enough on the above topic, so we're moving on now). I love rain. Every time that it rains during the summer, I go outside, stand in my driveway, spread out my arms and look up to the sky, just like in the movies. Then I jump in every puddle I can find and I dance and spin around, looking like a complete fool, but not caring a bit. My backyard is pretty big and it's all grass. Perfect for playing football, baseball, ultimate, soccer, dolf(well, it's a bit of a stretch, but it works good enough!), etc. When it rains as it has the past couple days, it becomes one huge mud puddle. Let's just say that you wouldn't want to be doing my laundry this week. Ok, so what does this have to do with anything? Not much. Except that I learned that the simplest things, music and rain, can make my day.

Wednesday, June 13, 2001

A couple days ago, I was talking to a girl I know who's spent the last year living in England. She's coming back in a few weeks and when we were talking about her return, she said something that, for some reason, shocked me. "It's so strange to be leaving my home for North Carolina. I doubt I'll ever feel at home in North Carolina again." While listening to "Carolina" by Andrew Peterson today, a strange feeling of contentment came over me. I wasn't quite sure why. Obviously, part of it was that it was Andy Peterson and you don't get much better than that. But that wasn't all of it. There's a line in the song that I really like and I felt even more content while listening to it. "through the heat as thick as the blood that moves my bones". Later on, I walked outside and at that moment, I knew it (anyone who's ever been in North Carolina in June knows what I'm talking about!). North Carolina is my home. Yes, it has been for over 5 years, but it's more than just where I reside. It's where I belong. I can't even imagine living anywhere else (except maybe Tennessee, but that's a different story!). And it's not that I just love Durham. I love Chapel Hill, despite the university. I love Davidson/Cornelius. I love Jackson. I love Asheville. I love Winston-Salem. And wherever I go in NC, I still feel at home. 2 years ago, I wouldn't have said NC was my home. I might admit that that I lived here but I certainly wouldn't have called it my home. I've moved every couple years all my life. I was never really anywhere long enough to call it home until I moved somewhere else. I've lived here for 5 years. Yes, I'll have to move again in 3 years (don't even think I'm going to school in-state!). I'll find another place to call home, but North Carolina will always be where I belong.

Friday, June 1, 2001

There's this song that I wrote that I still absolutely love. That doesn't happen very often. It's called "Violet". Without going into all the details of everything, I wrote it as a continuation of a sonnet I wrote for English. Basically, I had a kind of deprived childhood. I wasn't understood at all. I definitely had friends, but they were very girly. I was not. They wanted to play dolls; I wanted to climb trees. They wanted to play house; I wanted to go hangout in the cemetery (not that I was morbid or anything, it just fascinated me). I was very lonely. I've definitely sat around and thought about how I'd be different if I'd had a better childhood. But I know that if I had, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be writing songs or poetry. I wouldn't be playing guitar. I probably wouldn't be singing. And I certainly wouldn't be "strange"! And I'm totally happy to be doing all of that stuff now. So even though I may have been misunderstood as a child, I'm very much content now. And though I didn't have very good friends when I was little, God has always been there. And let me tell you, he's the best playmate of them all!

Monday, May 28, 2001

"Nothing" may be the best song lyrically that I've ever written, but it's definitely not the happiest. Ok, so I write some depressing stuff. I'll give you that. But "nothing" is so much different than the rest. I wrote the verses from the point of views depression (all of which I've been at, so I am writing what I know!). The chorus is something that I picked up in a sermon: "There's nothing sacred, nothing holy, nothing true"(for those of you who didn't hear the sermon, that was said as something the world believes. Just for the record!). I've often gotten the impression that Christians aren't "allowed" to be depressed. I'll just say that I'm living proof that that's not true. We've been tricked into thinking that if we aren't happy and joyful then we aren't true believers. We get tricked into thinking when we're depressed that there is nothing sacred, nothing holy, and nothing true. It says in Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven," and then in verse 4, "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,". It's okay for believers to be depressed. And no matter what, it doesn't change God's sovereignty!

Sunday, May 27, 2001

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." (Galatians 5:1). How true is that? I am so thankful that I have something to live for besides sin. Unfortunately, I don't always. I have a very rebellious and independent spirit. Many people don't know that, but it's very much true. I struggle everyday with not outwardly rebelling. And that's not even mentioning my thoughts. I know fully well that Christ set us free from sin and devil when he died for us. I know fully well that we are to live for and like him. And I know fully well that we are to "set our eyes to Zion"(as said by P.O.D.). I know what I am to do. But I very often don't want to. I can remember making a remark to a friend last year, around the time that I wrote this song. Basically, I was remarking/complaining how those who aren't saved can do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want. I felt like I had no freedom (and being in 8th grade, that was true!). I knew that I'm saved by God's grace and not by my works but also that we aren't called to live a life of sin simply because we know that we're saved by His grace. And that was bothering me. Being the wise one that she is, my friend replied by saying that others may have their fun for a short time on earth where there's imperfections and pain, but we'll have our fun in heaven for eternity. My attitude definitely changed after that. But even still, I often times feel trapped by sin. It seems so easy just to completely give in to sin. And maybe it really is. I don't know. But I do know that I can't live for Christ alone. Only He can give me the strength to do it everyday. And that's what this song is. A cry for help, asking Him to give me the strength to get through the day.